Do B*tchy Grindr Profiles ‘Calling Guys Out’ Actually Attract Men?

I refuse to believe your negative energy is helping you get laid.

The paperback for Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto is out now. Order it here!

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Original illustration by Eduardo

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Hop on Grindr, Sniffies, Scruff, or any other gay hookup app. Click a random profile and read their bio. I’d guess there’s a 25% chance you run into a profile where the headless torso is being cunty. I’m not talking about being racist, fatphobic, femmephobic, or fetishizing—those are separate, though very important, issues (which I delve into detail in chapter 9 of my memoir, “Is This How I Die?”).

I’m talking about gay men who think they’re fierce or clever by saying the most obvious shit in a needless aggressive and offputting manner. 

Examples I’ve seen recently:

“Can you stop deleting your albums before I can see them? If counterintuitive was an app, you’d all shut it down.”

“Why y’all always flaking? Can no one ever follow through on this app?”

“You guys need to calm down. It’s just Grindr, for fuck’s sake.”

“Stop sending my unsolicited pics of your dick. What’s wrong with you guys?”

“I probably won’t respond. I’m very picky. You should be, too. Don’t take it personally.”

Let’s break some of these bios down.

I agree that it’s very annoying (and counterintuitive) when people delete their albums before you can look at them. And I believe there is a special place in hell for someone who says they’re going to come over, claims they’re on their way, but then ghosts (or blocks you). In fact, it’s why I seldom bottom for men on apps because I would punch through a wall if I spent the day eating light and douching (which I loathe) only to have a man cancel on me. 

So, it’s not that their frustrations aren’t valid. These apps are a cesspool of flakes, along with disappointment, rudeness, and men who lack empathy and can’t handle rejection. But, like, who enjoys a flake? Who’s sitting there, freshly douched, praying this man who confirmed bails at the last minute? More to the point, does saying you hate flakes actually discourage people from flaking? (I can’t imagine it does.) Or is it discouraging someone like me, who isn’t a flake, from messaging you/responding to you because I think you won’t be a fun hookup? (More likely.) 

As for the man who doesn’t want unsolicited dick pics on Grindr (or Sniffies, where people’s profiles are dick picks, assholes, and getting fisted)? I’m sorry you’re actually in the wrong. If this were any other setting or app, you would be right. It’s inappropriate to send an unsolicited dick pic, but on Grindr, that is the norm. That is the (gay) culture. 

If you don’t like it, literally use any other app where it’s inappropriate to send a dick pic. It’s like you’re going into a locker room and being mad because you saw someone else’s dick while he was changing. It’s like, you are going to see some peen in a locker room. There’s no way around it. If you don’t like it, change at home. But you can’t feel self-righteous or get on a high horse on Grindr. (Damn it, now I’m starting to sound as angry and annoying as the men I’m critiquing.)

Moving onto the guy who said he’s very picky. This isn’t as bad as the other bios, but what an unnecessary flex. And to tell people they should be picky and not take his lack of response personally? That’s just condescending. All this dude needs to do is respond to the people he finds attractive or interesting. You don’t need to make yourself seem better than everyone else on app made for horny perverts. 

Bad vibes, my dude. Bad energy.

Just as it is annoying and counterintuitive to delete albums before guys have a chance to view them, I’d argue it’s equally counterintuitive (i.e., against your goal of getting laid) to write a bitchy, condescending bio.

So, let’s all take a deep breath, and instead of focusing on all the negative, let’s focus on what we do want to happen and turn those sexual fantasies into a reality. Let’s focus on the positive and be a little less prickly.

Then we can get to the good stuff. Anonymous, blindfolded throat fuck, anyone?