6 New Year Resolutions All About Sex

BOYSLUT ISSUE 31: Sometime in 2021, we should be able to go back to having all the sex with whomever we damn well please. When that happens, let's be ready.

2021 is going to be a fuckfest. I’m putting out this energy and manifesting this shit. I don’t know exactly when it will be a fuckfest as I’m uncertain when us laypersons will have access to the vaccine, but when we do, I will have sex until my dick falls off. I want my hole to be overflooding with cum like every single girl in a hentai video. And screw it, if you’ve politely slid into my DMs, you get to be part of the orgy, too. Why the hell not? I know “YOLO” is a little outdated, but goddamn, if the pandemic has taught us anything, it certainly is “You Only Live Once.”  

In preparation for the impending bacchanalia, I have made some sexual New Year resolutions. These resolutions don’t just pertain to me; I think we all can benefit from partaking in them. See, I want us to be ready to dive into this fuckfest shamelessly. I want our sex lives in 2021 to be fantastic. Euphoric. Earth-shattering. Death-defying. Life-changing. We need to make up for lost time after all.

I think the key to New Year resolutions is to make them realistic—within reach. This idea of shoot for the stars, so if you miss, you land on the clouds, is tomfoolery. What ends up happening is you don’t shoot at all. No stars. No clouds. You’re left twiddling your thumbs on the ground. So let’s go ahead and aim to shoot inside holes. That is something we absolutely can do.

(Photo by @jeffreygoritzphotographs.)

Without further ado, here are 6 sexual New Year resolutions, so by the time the fuckfest comes around, we all are ready for the fun. 

(FYI: The first three resolutions all piggyback off of each other.) 

1. Learn what you want. 

There is nothing more attractive than someone who knows exactly what they want. I’m going to repeat this for emphasis. THERE IS NOTHING MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN SOMEONE WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY WANT SEXUALLY. Even if I’m not into the kink, I’m GGG. (Dan Savage coined the acronym. It stands for Good, Giving, and Game.) I’m down to try 95% of things once and 90% of things twice. 

Even if you present a kink that I’m not into, if I know it’s something that turns you on to no end, I’d likely try it. I love seeing other folks get off. I know I’m not alone in this desire. To many, giving people pleasure is as enjoyable—if not even more enjoyable— as receiving pleasure. Thus, when you don’t know what you want, you’re thwarting both you and your partner’s pleasure. Let your partner see you squirm with delight!   

2. Learn how to ask for what you want.

Once you discover what you want, you then need to learn how to ask for it. This is a lot easier said than done. Only recently have I found my voice during sex. I mean really found it, where I’m not afraid to ask for absolutely anything. I’ve always been communicative and expressed my desires, but I’ve never asked shamelessly. 

What changed, TBH, is becoming more vers. I think when you top, sex is always going to be solid, as long as you’re a decent top. (You can always turn around the person and do them doggy style if you’re not that into them. Harsh but true.) 

But when you bottom and the sex is bad, you’re often in physical pain. And if not in pain, it’s still awful. For me, at least, the act of bottoming is far more intimate and vulnerable, so when I’m bottoming, and something is off, I hate it. Because of this, I’ve become exceptionally vocal when I bottom. I say exactly which positions I like being penetrated in, if I want them to kiss me, how hard I want them to go, etc.

This has since translated to all aspects of my sex life, even when I’m not bottoming, and wow, has my sex life gotten so much damn better. 

3. Don’t be upset if you don’t get what you want.

When you ask for things, sometimes the answer is a resounding no. That’s okay! You didn’t do anything wrong by asking. Simply respect that person’s decision, and don’t make a fuss. Take the rejection gracefully (and take the goddamn hint when it’s not a direct “no”).

Not everyone is going to be into everything. And who knows? Down the line, they may change their mind and be willing to give whatever you mentioned a try. While rejection can be painful, I will say it gets easier the more times you get rejected. You learn that it really isn’t the end of the world.  

4. Revel in the anticipation.

I have now been flirting with a few of you—you know who you are— over Instagram for months now. We haven’t been able to meet up because of Ms. Rona, so we’ve been saying raunchy things and have swapped tons of nudes and videos. (I’m honestly impressed by how well some of you know your angles.) At first, I found this frustrating. I just wanted to fuck each and every one of you. But I’ve since learned to appreciate the anticipation—the virtual foreplay. I’ve started taking more time with my own nudes, really upping the quality on them, because why the hell not? I know one day, I’ll travel the world on a rumspringa where we will all have incredible sex, but until that day, I will savor the build-up. 

5. Be horny on main.

I’m always horny. I think I’ve made that clear by now. But I’ve been unabashedly horny this past year. I think my horniness shines through in BOYSLUT, but even on Twitter and Instagram, I’ve started openly discussing how I really want to fuck everyone. Not because I’m easy, but because of my gift—I can find the beauty in every person. (I hate myself as I write this; please forgive me.) 

I know that I’m allowed to be openly horny. I’m a sex writer and educator. Other folks can’t be as openly thirsty, otherwise, they risk getting flak (or even fired) from work. I also understand that some of your grandmas follow you on Instagram. (My family quickly learned to stop following me on Instagram. They do not subscribe to this newsletter, and my mother, God bless her soul, learned after a week that she should turn off her Google notifications about me or risk mortification.)  

Nevertheless, when and where you can be fucking horny, do it. Be sexual. Be open about your desires. It helps reduce any subconscious internalized shame, but it also makes life more fun. And after 2020, we all could use more fun.

6. Fuck more friends. 

I’ve actually written about this before for a print piece in The Advocate. But one of the beautiful things about being queer men, women, and nonbinary angels is that we don’t have to live by traditional heteronormative scripts. You don’t see gay men being like, “Can we be friends with our exes?” Yes, obviously, we can be, and many of us are. We’re not like, “Can we be friends with the gender we’re attracted to?” LOL. Yes, obviously gay men can have gay friends. But there’s this big to-do in straight culture if a guy can simply be friends with a woman. Seriously, WTF? 

Let’s take advantage of the fact that we’re not limited by hetero scripts. Let’s enjoy that we don’t simply have to be “platonic friends” or “romantic partners.” I think there’s value in having friendships that blur the lines. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that my best gay/bi friends—both men and women—I’ve had sex with repeatedly. 

(That said, I acknowledge this isn’t for everyone. If you’re someone who isn’t as slutty as I am or someone who feels strong emotions after having sex, then you shouldn’t sleep with your bestie. Do what you think is best for you.)

A final note on 2021 New Year resolutions:

This year, Daya and I found our new thing. We will no longer be into turning straight men bi. That was very 2020. This year, we will use our powers to turn gay men bi. Sexuality is a spectrum, and you’re all on it. You’ve been warned! 

Xoxox,

Your Boyslut,

Zachary Zane