Are you a P-Town Queer or Fire Island Boy?

A little quiz to help you determine once and for all.

Me, in May of 2019, during “Baby Dyke” Weekend in Provincetown

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There are three types of gay/bi men in this world. The first is the gaggle of boys who prefer Provincetown to The Fire Island Pines. They love cruising down Commercial St. and window-shopping at all the fabulous galleries filled with paintings of nude men. The second type is Fire Island Pines boys, often NYC locals, who take the ferry to Fire Island nearly every weekend during the summer. There, they dance at Sip n Twirl in the skimpiest Speedos money can buy. The third are queers who don’t know which gay destination speaks to them, because they haven’t been to either.

Let’s focus our energy on group three, the gays, theys, bis, and queer virgins, debating where to spend their hard earned money, because let’s be honest, these places are not nearly as cheap as they used to be.

To help you decide if you’re a P-Town or FI queer, I have come up with a little quiz. All you gotta do is answer these questions below.

QUIZ

1. On vacation, do you prefer to walk or bike?

   1. Walk

   2. Bike

2. Are you planning to party all night or end the night early?

   1. Party Monster

   2. Earlybird

3. Pool or beach?

   1. Pool Boy

   2. Beach Bum

4. Drink of choice?

   1. Vodka Soda

   2. A Slutty Little Cocktail

5. Cook or eat out?

   1. Cook

   2. Eat Out

6. Are you trying to hook up on a (relatively deserted) outdoor trail or underneath a dock?

   1. Outdoor Trail

   2. Dock

7. Are you really trying to fuck or just kinda trying to fuck?

   1. The more Ds, the better

   2. If it happens, fine, but it's not the goal of the trip

8. What would you rather do during the day?

   1. Sit by the pool and fry

   2. Take a stroll, eat a lobster roll, and window-shop at the gayest little galleries

9. Are you a bonfire bitch?

   1. Meh, too many mosquitoes biting me

   2. I wanna watch the world burn

10. Who do you find more attractive?

    1. Pedro Pascal

    2. Paul Mescal

SCORING

Tally up all the times you chose A and B, giving yourself a point for each. If you scored higher on A’s, congrats, you’re a Fire Island gay! If you scored higher on B’s, you’re a Provincetown girly. If you scored equally (5 and 5) or 4 and 6, you’re a vers queen who’d have a blast at either destination.

RATIONALE

You might be wondering: Why do all the A responses mean Fire Island and the B responses mean Provincetown? Let’s break it down, shall we?

1. While you can bike in both Fire Island and P-Town—and plenty of queers do—more people tend to bike in P-Town because the distance between the tip of the West End and East End are pretty damn far apart. I’ve never had a bike when I’ve visited Fire Island, and it wasn’t a problem. I’ve always had a bike when I went to P-Town, and am grateful I did.

2. P-Town bars close around one am, whereas most FIP bars close at two am. The main difference is that the party does not stop in Fire Island once the bars close. Afters are LIT in Fire Island, and they’re everywhere. Whereas in Provincetown, sure, some guys host afters, but fewer. People tend to go to bed earlier in P-Town, partly because there’s more to do during the days than in Fire Island.

3. Again, both destinations have pools and beaches, but many more homes in the Pines have their own pools. I’d add that there’s more of a culture of pool lounging on FI, whereas in P-Town, I feel like more guys go to the beach.

4. P-Town has far more bars and fancier bars than Fire Island. If you want a delicious cocktail, P-Town is definitely the choice. If you’re just looking for a nice and easy vodka soda, then Fire Island’s for you.

5. There are a few places to eat on Fire Island Pines. Most people buy food at the grocery store and cook it themselves, having “family dinners” with everyone in the house. In contrast, Provincetown has dozens of fantastic eating establishments, ranging from casual to fine dining.

6. Okay, so in Provincetown, there’s a place called the “Dick Dock,” located under the Boatslip, that has been a cruising ground for decades. Any time in the evening, you head there, you’re guaranteed to suck or get sucked. At the same time, Fire Island has the “Meat Rack,” a foresty area between The Pines and Cherry Grove, where men cruise late at night.

7. So you can fuck at both. Gay men are always looking for dick and bussy, but the boys in Fire Island FUCK FUCK, whereas the guys in P-Town only fuck.

8. Fire Island has far less to do during the day. Typically, you drink by the pool. Provincetown offers a diverse range of shops, galleries, bakeries, restaurants, a movie theater, and various other activities.

9. Bonfires are not permitted on the beaches of Fire Island National Seashore, but they are allowed on the beach in Provincetown with a permit.

10. I’ll be honest; this has nothing to do with either Fire Island Pines or Provincetown, but I was interested in your response. I couldn’t end the quiz at nine questions. That would be ludicrous; I had to make it an even ten!

LAST WORDS

Odds are, you’ll enjoy your time at either destination—just bring a good attitude, some cut-off jorts, and a smile. And while this highly vetted quiz is undeniably scientifically sound, the only real way to decide which gay hub you like more is to try out both!