Three of the Best Sex and Relationship Books of 2024

The Boyslut author shares his top picks for non-fiction books navigating sex, dating, marriage, long-term relationships, and modern love.

As a sex and relationship columnist, I read a lot of books on S&R to—well, you know—be good at my job. I'm also lucky to interview many of the authors, both on and off the record, which deepens my understanding of their work.

In a year filled with new titles aimed at helping you navigate sex, dating, love, and intimacy in our "modern world," three books really stood out to me.

So, here are my top non-fiction sex and relationship self-help books of 2024. (And just so you know, every book on this list is extremely queer-inclusive.)

I Do (I Think): Conversations About Modern Marriage by Allison Raskin

When Allison Raskin’s (ex)-fiancé abruptly called off their marriage, leaving their shared home without explanation or attempting to reconcile, she was devastated. She never could have imagined his sudden departure.

Since childhood, Allison had dreamed of marriage and thought she had finally found her forever person. His unexpected exit shattered her reality and the sense of stability she believed she had built for herself.

After the breakup, Allison embarked on a mission to discover what makes for a fulfilling and “successful” (however you define it) modern marriage. The emphasis on "modern" is crucial here, as she points out that the purpose of marriage has changed dramatically over the past few decades. While it used to be about pooling resources, today it’s centered on love and self-fulfillment—though that comes with its own challenges. What started as a sexist, patriarchal institution no longer has to be that way.

I loved many things about her book, but I want to highlight two key aspects. First, I appreciate how it addresses every step of the marriage process, from knowing when to propose and considering a prenup to navigating sex, money, and challenging times. She also discusses how to approach couples therapy and when it might be time to consider divorce.

Second, Allison offers a practical approach with actionable items to work on by yourself and with your partner. While she once glorified marriage, viewing it as a source of (false) security, she now sees it as a calculated risk. She helps you determine whether it's a risk you're willing to take.

As someone seriously considering marriage, I found I Do (I Think) particularly relevant and insightful. Still, I’d argue it’s a helpful read for anyone in or seeking a long-term partnership.

How to Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind: Forget the Fairy Tale and Get Real by Todd Baratz, LMHC

For years, Todd has been my favorite therapist on Instagram (@yourdiagnonsense). He consistently challenges much of the “pop” psychology that other mental health “experts” regurgitate. For instance, he’s quick to point out that no, your ex probably isn’t a narcissist; yes, it’s okay to be clingy; no, people aren’t just need-fulfilling machines; and while attachment theory can be helpful, it’s often oversimplified and won’t solve all your problems. One of my favorite things he emphasizes is that your feelings are “valid,” but they aren’t facts, and they don’t give you a free pass to say or do anything you want.

When it comes to therapists sharing about their own lives, there’s a very fine line. Many are trained not to disclose anything personal. Yet, lately, I’ve noticed a trend of therapists oversharing on social media in a way that makes me think, “In what world would anyone want them as a therapist? They seem like a mess who only talks about themselves.”

Todd masterfully navigates this tightrope, sharing just enough of himself to avoid feeling like “too much” while keeping the focus on you, the reader. For many, true love—where you feel vulnerable and open yourself up to the possibility of rejection and pain—can be overwhelming. (Overwhelming can be an understatement. Love makes us feel like we’re losing our minds; hence the title of his book!) It often brings up old childhood wounds, and if we're not careful, we might revert to our unhealed inner child, forgetting that we are now adults who are safe and no longer need to repeat past patterns that don’t serve us emotionally or spiritually.

Through sharing his personal journey and stories of his patients, Todd effectively illustrates how to overcome past trauma so it no longer defines who you are today. His approach is multidisciplinary, blending various therapeutic techniques and sociological philosophies.

(FYI, I interviewed Todd Baratz about his book for Men’s Health. You can read it here!)

Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections by Emily Nagoski, PhD

Emily Nagoski is a world-renowned sex educator, researcher, and author of Come As You Are. Her follow-up book, Come Together, explores how to maintain a fulfilling and pleasurable sex life with a partner long-term.

Anyone in a long-term relationship knows that sexual frequency and passion can ebb and flow. If you’re not careful, sex can easily fall by the wayside. This isn’t a problem if both partners are content without sexual intimacy, but it certainly causes issues when partners want to connect sexually but feel unable to do so. As the saying goes, “Good sex is only 10% of a relationship, but when it’s not happening, it feels like 90%.”

I think I learned the most from Nagoski’s book this year. She dedicates a lot of time to discussing our unique emotional floor plans and how to create an environment with your partner that encourages a desire for sex. The key is to reach a space close to LUST or sexual desire that facilitates arousal. (But you’ll have to read the book to learn more!)

Nagoski has a talent for approaching common problems from a fresh perspective, offering valuable insights into topics that many sex experts discuss, such as the need to discard the "shoulds" in sexual thinking and to move beyond the belief that sex is solely about P-in-V penetration.

It’s like, yes, we all fucking know this by now. The challenge isn’t in knowing; it’s in truly believing it. I still grapple with feelings of inadequacy when I can’t get hard, even after spending two hours going down on my partner (who subsequently experiences multiple orgasms). Emily's work helped me shift from a place of intellectual understanding to a deeper, embodied knowing—and, ultimately, to genuine belief.

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(A bonus book)

Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto by Zachary Zane

Although my book, Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto, was published in 2023, the paperback version just came out this year—and it’s bright pink—so I’m including it on the list!

If you struggle with sexual shame—big or small—Boyslut is for you. It gives you permission to embrace your nastiest, kinkiest, sluttiest self. It allows you to be a “messy” bisexual and to accept love even when you don’t feel perfect.

Through my various experiences, I show you how to move from a place weighed down by sexual shame to one of pride or at least neutrality.

Boyslut is also a humorous and easy read. (People often tell me they devoured it on a single flight.) By the time you finish, you’ll have laughed, cried, and hopefully, your cheeks will hurt from all the smiling!