How Can I Embrace Being a Sub When I Don’t Trust Men?
The Boyslut shares why he struggles subbing, and what he plans to do about it.
I never know how to respond when a kinkster asks me if I’m a Dom, sub, or switch. The real answer: It depends. But that’s one of the most infuriating responses to any question, let alone this one.
I’m sort of a switch. I can do and enjoy both roles, but my experience submitting is limited. “Limited,” I suppose, is relative, as I probably have more experience than the vast majority of people out there, but it pales in compared to how much I’ve Dommed.
The thing is, I have to be in the mood to sub, so setting up a scene is tricky. I might not be in the mood by the time we get together. Whereas I can easily turn on my Dom side, I can’t flip a switch (no pun intended) and suddenly turn into a subservient little bitch boy. But when the mood to be an SLBB strikes, you better manhandle the fuck out of me.
But don’t be too performative about it. I’ve subbed for folks, and it feels like they’re acting the part—saying what they believe a Dom should say instead of what they actually want to say. I want you to be a Dom, not perform the role of a Dom. (Am I being nitpicky? Yeah, sue me.)
Then, frankly, I don’t trust you hoes. Well, to be fair, I don’t trust (many) gay men. Many aren’t as consent-focused and believe that “While I’m Domming, I can do whatever I want to you.” They really see themselves as in control, and I am there to please. No bitch, you may be Domming, but the sub is always in control. Period.
This experience isn’t just about your pleasure; it’s about the sub’s pleasure, too. I sub because I find withstanding the pain, listening to commands, and choking on your dick pleasurable. Why else would I do this shit?
I’m a type-A, neurotic, overachieving, overplanning, highly anxious, OCD-ridden Jew. When someone is walloping me with a paddle, I’m not thinking about whether I accidentally sent a passive-aggressive text to my partner. I’m not worried about that impending deadline. I’m focused on my breaths and preparing myself for that “thuddy” riding crop. It’s therapeutic to have moments of respite from the never-ending hamster wheel that lives in my mind.
Photo: Joseph Cartright & Hair: Ashley Wright
Why don’t you have women or nonbinary babes Domme you? Isn’t that a logical solution? Yes, but alas, (my) attractions are complicated. When I sub, I need to know that you could kill me. Hopefully, you won’t, but when your hands are around my throat, I need those hands to be big. Of course, any Dominatrix could easily kill me in any number of ways, but it’s not as psychologically arousing when she is petite and 5’4’’. (Remember, I’m 6’4’’.) I wish that’s not how I felt, but alas, we can’t choose to whom or what we’re attracted. (For what it’s worth, I’d be very into getting dommed by a 6’2’’ Charlize Theron-type or any woman in the WNBA.)
So, I’m a bit of a loss. Perhaps I could find a larger man I trusted and go over exactly everything I want and don’t want. We’d start with milder activities before getting into the more “extreme” ones. Or perhaps there are ways I could get into the subbing mood. A slow burn to get me to release my SLBB. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
Well, fuck it. I need to practice what I preach. I need to try out every single one of these perhaps. No one said finding a Dom that fits my specific desires would be easy. No one said having earth-shattering, mentally stimulating, intense-yet-intimate BDSM sex would be a piece of juicy cake.
Great sex takes work. BDSM sex takes even more work. I need to put in the work instead of finding the guy with the fattest ass in my area to come over for a quick pump-n-dump. I need to get on kinky dating apps, set up dates with Doms, express my desires, build trust, and do the damn thing.
I want—need—psychologically thrilling sex where I embrace my SLBB. Not just for my pleasure but as a form of therapeutic release.
How Can I Embrace Being a Sub When I Don’t Trust Men?
Yes. A lot of us gay men are stuck on the performative. Also consent is key. You’re dam, the good dam I’ll know your boundaries , they will search for them . That’s only way they can show you what you can take and what you want.