How to Have Dragon Sex With a Mitch McConnell Dildo
Two bizarre sexual things have come to my attention, and as someone who absolutely loves bizarre sexual things, I had to write about them.
Two bizarre sexual things have come to my attention, and as someone who absolutely loves bizarre sexual things, I wanted to write about them for everyone to read. (Trying to give my free subscribers some love, too.)
First, because of House of the Dragon, Google searches for “dragon sex” have skyrocketed. When you think of dragon sex, you likely think of two (or more) mythical creatures biting each other’s long necks and breathing fire while violently flapping their scaly wings. Or at least, that’s what I think.
However, there is another type of dragon sex—a type of sex that is not only real but also something I’ve done countless times before.
Did you know that a male bisexual unicorn is called a dragon? So if you are a bi guy who’s down to be the third in an MF couple’s sexual experimentation, you are, in fact, a bonafide dragon.
^ a candid video of me ^
In honor of “dragon sex” now being a thing, I’d like to provide some tips to my fellow dragons—to the bi boys out there joining a pre-existing MF couple. Please realize: You are representing the entire dragon community when you have dragon sex. The reputation of our species lies in how well you dick the couple down. (Or, more accurately, if the couple leaves feeling the encounter respected, pleasured, and more connected to their partner.)
So, here are my tips for being a mother fucking bisexual dragon. Since I’m writing this for BOYSLUT and not another outlet, I can be more problematic. Also, as someone who’s dragoned for couples countless times, I feel uniquely qualified to share my thoughts.
Balance the time and attention you give each partner.
I’m about to disagree with the advice of many sex experts. They often say: “It’s okay to be more attracted to one partner than the other and to give your attention to one more. It can’t be expected for you to be equally attracted and to dedicate equal time to both.”
I disagree. Sure, you may be more attracted to one person, or you may have a stronger connection with one, but you should really try hard to give each partner roughly equal time and sexual attention.
Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, has found that threesomes are the most common sexual fantasy, but they are also the most likely to go awry in practice.
The main reason why? People get jealous! Basic bitches who haven’t worked on their jealousy try to have a threesome for the first time. They haven’t communicated any expectations. They haven’t created any boundaries. They think all the focus will be on them, and then when that doesn’t happen, they freak out.
Should they have figured this out before they hit you up to bone? Yes, of course. Is that the case? Often not. So, if you’re having a one-night Dragon-tastic stand and want to have a fun time without delving into the dynamic of the couple, give roughly equal attention. It’s easy for you to do and leads to a great sexual experience for all.
Now, if you’re trying to DATE the couple, that’s a whole nother story. But that’s not what I’m talking about! I’m talking to dragons who are just trying to get their cloaca filled and call it a day.
Don’t expect a clean asshole!
If you’re having an MMF threesome with a newly open bi couple, and the man hasn’t had sex with many (or any) men, don’t expect his bussy to be clean. He doesn’t know how to douche! With that knowledge, I’d fuck him at the end. Or, even better, be in the middle of that daisy chain. He fucks you while you fuck her. You don’t need to do anything to his bootyhole.
FYI, I’m not trying to shame any unclean bootyholes! I’m definitely not one of those pristine bottoms. I enjoy food and living my life. But if you can easily avoid a poopy encounter, why not?
It is for your pleasure, too.
I’ve realized I made it seem that you’re this entity whose sole purpose is to please the couple—to make sure that they have a good time. Not true! You are a fucking GIFT for them. They should be woo-ing the fuck out of you. You should be getting your rocks off. In fact, you can orchestrate the threesome. Tell everyone where to go and what to do. Get into it.
Not every day do people meet a bi man who’s down to fuck an MF couple. There’s a reason we’re called dragons—we’re hard to come by. (Yes, I’m aware it would make more sense to call us an endangered species rather than a mythical creature, but I didn’t come up with the term!)
Text them both in a group chat.
If the experience is divine and you want to do it again, text them the next day, the same way you would anyone you had a fun sexual encounter with. I’d make sure to text both of them in a group chat because, again, basic bitches get jealous!
Hit me up.
If you live in NY (or even NJ) and are an MF couple looking for a bi MMF threesome, HIT ME UP. I love this shit. I live for it. I am great at it. PLEASE, I need to be having more MMF threesomes.
Changing gears here, there’s this new dildo I want to bring to your attention. (FYI, I am not getting paid any money from Dame to write this. I don’t work with them; they wouldn’t even give me a free one because the money goes towards a good cause.)
There is a limited edition dildo coming from Dame. The dildo is of Mitch McConnell… The tagline for the toy is: “Get fucked by the government on your terms.”
Here is an image:
I fucking hate it. It’s terrible. I need it now. I like the idea of Mitch McConnell’s head being up someone else’s ass for a change.
Pulling the description from Dame’s site:
“Anti-choice politicians are f*cking you. Now you get to f*ck them back. (And enjoy it while you do.) 100% of sales go to abortion rights funds to put the power back in your hands. And while you’re here, f*ck these politicians harder by registering to vote in the November midterms.”
Obvi, the money is going towards a good cause. And if you haven’t registered to vote, you can do so on the site.
So, if you want to get fucked by a nightmarish dildo, and if I know my readers, many of you do, then purchase it before it sells out. (There are only a total of 500!)