Language Has Failed to Describe the Complexities of Sexuality
If gender is a construct, does that mean sexual orientation is too?
By now we all know that sexual orientation and gender are two different entities. While this is undeniably true, gender and sexuality aren’t two distinct entities. Sexuality is contingent upon gender, and this is leading to an influx of confusion on how to sexually identify.
Here’s what I mean: If you’re gay, that means you’re a man who likes other men. You can be a cis or trans man who likes other men, and that makes no difference. You are still gay. That is because trans men are men. (An aside: this is actually why I don’t like when people say “male-identified person” or “female-identified person” instead of man or woman. If she’s a cis woman, she’s a woman. If she’s a trans woman, she’s a woman. So why not just say woman instead of female-identified person? In trying to be more inclusive, I feel like we’re actually creating a distinction that further divides cis and trans identities.)
But back to being gay. You’re gay only because YOU identify as the same gender as the person you’re attracted to. So to call yourself gay when you’re agender, gender non-binary, or genderfluid often doesn’t feel accurate, since you don’t identify as a man. As a genderfluid person, at times you feel more masculine, so would that mean you’re gay when you feel more masculine and straight when you feel more feminine? Or are all genderfluid people automatically bisexual since they are multiple genders attracted to a single or multiple genders?
There is no correct answer, and that’s my whole point. Language has failed us. That’s because we fucked up by making monosexual sexual orientation (i.e, gay and straight) dependent on gender, which is both fluid and a social construct.
This isn’t the case for bisexuality. No matter which gender I identify as, I’m still bi. If I’m a man, I’m bi. If I’m a trans woman tomorrow, I’m still bi. If I’m gender non-conforming or agender, I’m still bi. That’s because bisexuality has nothing to do with my own gender. Bisexuality is about the genders I’m attracted to.
This, however, isn’t the case for monosexuals. The language of monosexuality, like bisexuality, should only be who you are attracted to and not have to do with your own gender. So, we could keep the word bisexual, as that describes someone attracted to multiple or all genders. But then gay men and straight women would actually have the same sexual orientation—a word that describes an attraction to solely men. We can call it “mansexual.” But the issue with that is, you can’t have a “gay” community if attractions weren’t based on your own gender.
Then there’s the issue of being straight when you’re trans. I’ve had countless conversations with numerous trans friends and partners regarding how they’ve struggled with the idea of being “straight.” Before recognizing and embracing their trans identity, they were gay men. Many of them like the term gay. They like being part of the gay community. But after embracing being trans, they were like, “I guess I’m straight now,” and that can feel weird. Of course, this isn’t every single trans person. Some trans women I’ve dated love identifying or simply being a straight woman. But a lot of trans people don’t feel like they have a word to accurately describe their sexuality if they don’t want to label themselves as straight. (Some folks like “queer,” but queer is so broad.)
That fucking sucks. I’m someone who takes such joy in identifying as bisexual. I feel like it describes me well, and I love that. I hate knowing that so many gender non-conforming folks and trans folks often don’t feel as if they have a sexual orientation label that they can relate to.
This explains why so many folks “don’t do labels.” It’s also why we seemingly have a slew of new sexual orientation labels emerging. (LGBTQIAlphabet soup, as some like to call it.) We’re trying to find new words to describe our sexualities, but the issue remains because we’re not attacking the problem at the root. As long as your gender is part of what dictates your sexual orientation, we will keep running into the same issues, no matter the new sexual orientation label we create.
I don’t have an answer to this problem, and I’m sorry for that. I hate posing questions and issues without offering solutions. (But if this is a topic that’s interesting to you, let me know and I’ll reach out to some cognitive linguists to see what they have to say.)
But here’s what I do know when it comes to sexuality and sexual orientation: the focus should not be on the individual (like it’s not for bisexuals). It should be on who the individual is attracted to. So if you’re someone who doesn’t resonate with gay, straight, or any other sexual orientation label, then when someone asks your sexual orientation, just say who you want to fuck and date. If you only like men, say you like men. If you only like fucking women, say that. If you like fucking everybody, well, you lucked out, because you can still claim bisexuality.
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I couldn't agree with you more about the nomenclature of gender identity. If a person identifies as a man, regardless of plumbing, he is a man, not a male identified person. The same is true of a woman. I honestly think it might be an attempt by some group to make gender identity even more confusing so that people have to align into some artificial construct.
I have quite a few MtF friends, most of whom identify at gay men. Once they transitioned (by the way, most were Lesbians when they identified as women), while I may have misgendered them in language, I never did in spirit, they were and are MEN.