Dear Butt Sex,
You know how much I love you—how much I crave you—but you have been far too difficult for far too long. It pains me to say this, but we may need to take a break.
See, I would bottom more if everything about bottoming wasn’t an absolute pain in the ass. For one thing, I have IBS—undeniably caused by my Jewish roots. Are you Anti-Semitic, butt sex? Because you are excluding a group of marginalized people—people of the tribe—who indeed want you.
Even if you are not against Jews, you clearly have no regard for my tight hole. Even when I take it slow and use tons of lube, I still end up with anal fissures. Does it bring you joy to see my bleed? Are you a sadist?
And not to mention just how full of shit you are! Even when I take my fiber pills, avoid spicy foods, and clean out for what feels like days, I am still not clean?! I have to stop, apologize, rinse, and then return, by which point, neither of us is in the mood.
What more do you want from me? I have sacrificed so much for you. I don’t eat when I am hungry. I avoid my favorite foods. I’ve carried around little bottles of lube for you. I’ve taken Imodium to appease you and even take poppers—drugs!—so that I can be with you. You are turning me into a drug addict; still, all you do is make a mess and cause me pain.
All I want is you! But I can’t have you in the morning when I’m often my horniest because who knows if the douche from ten hours ago is still good? Why can’t you be more like your sister, Vaginal Sex? I have her in the morning, no problem. Neither my partner nor I worry when we see your sister as the sun rises, as she will not release her vile, pungent “energy” on us.
I, too, see your sister in public stalls because it’s so much quicker and easier to slide in. No lube required. No pain. Just me, my partner, and your sister—a threesome for the ages.
This is why, Butt Sex, with a heavy heart, I am demoting you. Sure, I will see keep seeing you from time to time, but I’m officially deescalating our relationship.
I know what you’re thinking, and no, it’s not because of your sister, though I do love her. It’s because of your cousin, Sucking Dick. He is easy. He is efficient. He does not require lube, and I can see him anywhere without preparation: a park, hotel lobby, bathroom, even underwater if I so choose.
While I will miss you BS, I have to say, I’m excited for this new journey. One that takes me out in public instead of confining me to my bedroom, where you have kept me hidden away for so long.
Sincerely,
The Boyslut
P.S.
To all the boys reading this, come find me and BS’s cousin in Prospect Park. We’ll be there in the bushes.
I have some ideas that have worked for my IBS, because I too love butt sex (on the receiving end) too much to give it up. I was a total top until I turned 38 (I remember the night) and once I had a big cock in my ass, i became a switch. Never could be a total bottom as I love plowing ass way too much and the power that gives me.
HaHa! As a Crohn’s patient I can really relate. The silver lining is that having a hole that is “limited availability” has forced me to really hone my oral skills. FYI, I disagree with your opinion that lube isn’t necessary for head. I think lube makes head soooo much easier and more pleasurable.