The Boyslut's Guide: How to Suck Your Uber Driver’s Dick
Now that I’ve blown both a Lyft and Uber driver, I consider myself a ride-sharing dick-sucking expert. Here’s my foolproof 9-step guide (with a decision tree).
I think last month’s story about my hook-up with the “fake” Uber Driver subconsciously got me horny to suck an actual Uber driver’s dick. So, a few weeks ago, I made it happen, and I’m going to share how you can make it happen, too.
We all know I’m a cock-goblin, so my friends weren’t surprised when I shared on Instagram that I sucked my Uber driver’s dick in Palm Springs. (Besides, this isn’t the first time I’ve sucked a ride-share driver’s peen.) But they did have one question: HOW? How did I get from being clothed in the backseat to having my lips around his cock? Did I move to the front seat? Did I say, “Can I suck your dick?” or did he whip it out? Did I look up at him innocently and say in a baby voice, “I don’t have any money to pay you…Is there any other way I can repay you?” Then he unzipped and out flopped a foot-long?
These are all valid questions that I will answer in my step-by-step guide on how to suck your Uber driver’s cock. But before I continue, let me say two things. One: If you are bad at reading social or sexual cues, DO NOT ATTEMPT. I don’t want you to make your driver uncomfortable. So this guide is only for experienced boysluts who can read social cues. Two: This article is geared towards queer men and nonbinary folks who want to suck their Uber driver’s peen. This isn’t to be exclusionary. It’s just that…if you are a woman trying to suck your Uber driver’s dick, I literally think you just need to ask, and he’d be like, “For the love of all that is holy, yes.”
That said, LEHGO!
Step 1: Only attempt to suck his penis when it’s dark out.
I’m not saying you can’t suck your Lyft driver’s dick at 2 pm. But that would require an absolutely obscene amount of game, and I don’t think you guys can handle that yet. I’m not even sure I can. At 3:30 am, I think it’s much more socially appropriate to reveal that you’re a professional sword swallower.
Step 2: Make sure he’s friendly and chatty.
You know when you step into an Uber, and the last thing you want is for him to ask you a single question? Well, drivers are people too, and often they don’t want to talk to you. And if they don’t, definitely do not try to suck his dick. Let the man do his job in peace without harassing him.
Step 3: Determine his sexuality.
Some men are obviously gay, at which point it’s easy. (If you don’t have a solid Gaydar, you shouldn’t try to suck your Uber driver’s dick. Again, I’m trying to avoid a swarm of boysluts hitting the streets, harassing a fleet of innocent drivers.)
Now, usually, I’m coming from a gay-ass event, bar, or club, so I simply say where I was. I then ask, “Have you heard of it?” or “Have you been there?” If they know what I’m talking about, I figure they’re probably queer in some capacity.
That said, many straight-identifying men also love getting their dick sucked by guys. These “straight” (i.e., closeted) men might not know of “The Q,” but they still would love it if you slobbed on their knobs. So don’t worry. All is not lost just because they weren’t familiar with the venue.
Step 4: Make eye contact in the rearview mirror.
Try to position yourself in a place where if he looks back in the rearview mirror, he sees you. Eye fuck him and see if he eye fucks you back. If he does, that’s a good sign that he’s cruising you.
Step 5: Say something slutty to test the waters.
At this point, you know (or highly suspect) he likes getting his dick sucked by a man. He’s also been chatty with you and has eye fucked you. So now, you can say something like, “It’s been one of those nights where I’m so horny, ya know?”
This is you leaving out bait to see if he takes it. If he seems awkward, you STOP. Do not pursue. If this leads him to stare you down in the rearview mirror, you’re golden. Obviously, if he’s like, “Want to do something about it?” you’re set. But odds are, he’ll be a little bit coyer than that. He may say, “Yeah… I have those nights too.”
You can respond, “Yeah, where you want to get off… or just get anybody else off.” By the end of this brief conversation, it should be clear if he is down. IF HE IS NOT, OR YOU ARE UNSURE, STOP! (Seeing a theme here?)
Step 6: Ask to come up to the front seat.
You only ask this if the above has gone well. In Palm Springs, I said, “I’m having some trouble hearing you back here. Can I come up to the front seat?” He said, “Yeah, come on up,” and at the red light, I switched seats.
Step 7: Make your move.
From here, you’re good to go. Put your hand on his thigh to get him hard. Or look him in the eyes and ask to suck his dick. There’s a decent chance he may want to drive you somewhere more private with fewer lights and pedestrians. If he does, go with him. Duh.
Step 8: Be an amazing cock sucker.
You guys know my motto: If you ain’t gagging, you ain’t trying. Make it WET and sloppy BJ. Give the people what they want.
Step 9: Tell him to order Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto.
Right before he’s about to cum, you pull up. He’s going to say, “Don’t stop! I’m about to cum.” You tell him you’ll only keep sucking if he orders a copy of the book. He will say yes. To be honest, you could probably ask him to buy you a car at that moment, and he would say yes. (Megan Thee Stallion taught me this.) So really, this is a MINIMAL ask. And if he’s getting his dick sucked by a passenger, he is someone who will love my book.
After he cums, you give him two order options: Amazon or Bookshop. You WATCH as he orders it on his phone and then have him drop you off. Boom. Mission complete.
Since I know some of you are visual learners, I had a friend of mine design a decision tree.
And that’s it, baby! You got what you wanted, and he got more than he ever could have dreamed of. If you have any follow-up questions, comment on this post, and I’ll answer them!
I once sucked my female Lyft driver's nipples and fingered her in broad daylight on the side of the street in a residential neighborhood. I posted that here a few months ago.