(One of) the Most Underrated Bits of Relationship Advice
There's more to a healthy partnership than communication and effective conflict resolution.
Original illustration by Eduardo
I’m elated to share that I’m going to be publishing a few more thought pieces about sex and relationships (alongside the non-fiction erotica). These articles will feel more similar in tone to my book, Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto. Don’t worry; all the content will be new topics I haven’t previously explored.
Just a note on these articles: I consider myself a sex writer above a sex educator or sex expert. Being a writer allows me to be edgier, have more controversial takes, and give more explicit advice. I’m not a licensed therapist and shouldn’t be regarded as one. While my take this week isn’t necessarily the spiciest, future content will be, so I’m giving ya a heads-up now.
When discussing relationships, we often talk about communication: addressing issues as they come up instead of sitting on them, letting them fester, and then dumping your frustration on your partner. Reframing your language to use more “I” statements so your partner doesn’t feel attacked and immediately become defensive. Arguing without your entire nervous system going into fight or flight. Knowing that your partner loves you, so even if they hurt you, it wasn’t their intent. Taking a break when you know you might say something hurtful, sleeping on it, and returning to the conversation more level-headed. Learning your triggers—often rooted in developmental/parental trauma—and not letting them control your emotions, thoughts, and actions as an adult.
This is all great! Work on this shit by yourself and with your partner(s). See a therapist. Read books. Meditate. Go to the forest, do a boatload of shrooms, and see if you unpack some repressed trauma rooted deep in your soul.
However, there is also more to a relationship than communication. People don’t often get to the other critical relation elements (more on this momentarily) because communication comes first. Without the ability to communicate and resolve conflict, everything goes down the crapper.
Here is one extremely underrated bit of relationship advice that couples, throuples, quads, polycules, etc. should implement: Do the little things for your partner without being asked.
Some examples include:
Liking and responding when your partner sends you a little stupid meme on Instagram.
Clearing the table and doing the dishes.
Making the bed in the morning.
Buying them flowers for no reason other than you love them.
Doing laundry.
Picking up dinner on the way home from work.
Share fondness and admiration (not just about appearance). Compliment them on their work ethic, humor, being a supportive friend, etc. (These little acknowledgments go so far!)
Offering a massage when they’re stressed or sore.
Send a little love letter via text.
You don’t do all these things intending to be a martyr. I think it should go both ways. If you’re always doing everything, and your partner isn’t putting in any effort, then what the fuck? I’m all for egalitarian relationships.
On the flip side, acknowledge and be grateful for your partner for doing the little things. Don’t be weirdly overappreciative using therapy talk. It doesn’t need to be this eight-paragraph text. Simply say, “Thank you!” I really appreciate it,” and “I love you so much.”
If doing the little things feels like a burden, ask yourself why. Is it because your partner isn’t reciprocating or appreciative? Are you not fulfilled sexually or emotionally? Do you feel overwhelmed by other aspects of your life? Have you fallen out of love or built up so much resentment toward your partner over the years? Have you gotten lazy and started taking your partner for granted?
Because, honestly, it’s not that much work to do the little things. Yes, when done all together, they’re, perhaps, a little time-consuming, but dare I say, if you genuinely love someone, you want them to be happy. You want them to feel fulfilled, loved, and appreciated. You want to make their lives a tad bit easier.
If you don’t, or it feels like too much work, that speaks volumes and is something you need to unpack.