BOYSLUT with Zachary Zane #11

I was bullied off of YouTube, but your boy(slut) made a comeback.

Aug 10, 2020

I was bullied off of YouTube. I look back on this with nothing but shame. The trolls won. I lost. It’s as simple as that. When I was attacked by about 100 or so commenters, I was hurt and scared. Worst of all, I began to seriously doubt my LGBTQ work and activism.

A little backstory: In 2016, I figured I was going to give YouTube a try. (A little late to the game, I know.) I had been told repeatedly that YouTube would be a great way to expand my brand, and given that I’m attractive and charismatic (~hair flip~), I could potentially be really successful. I figured why not?

I had been creating videos with little to medium success, and then decided to record a poem I read at an open Bi Mic Night in Boston. The poem was called “Questions for Monosexuals.” In it, I asked why gay/straight people pull their BS with bisexuals, like believing we don’t exist, we’re liars, confused, etc. People absolutely LOVED the poem at the event and asked if there was a place where they could read the poem online. That’s when I decided to put a recording of me reciting the poem on my YouTube channel.

I recorded the video with a huge bi flag as the background. (I was wearing a beanie for some reason, which… Why Zach?)

(I’m not going to post a link to the video. Feel free to Google if you’d like, but here’s a screenshot of me from it.)

Quickly the video was picked up by a professional troll. In a deep, distorted voice that kidnappers use when they call to ransom for money, this man proceeded to explain how everything I said was wrong, hurtful, stupid, etc. My face and original video were playing in the background while he dubbed his voice over the video.

I just checked, and that original troll video was taken down. I know this because that video received well over 200,000 views. There are, however, now three other videos out right now called “Questions for Monosexuals” that all tear into me.

After that video, a number of the troll’s followers went to every single video on my channel and started downvoting and commenting terrible, terrible things. Queer people, too, were commenting awful things. They said I make queer people look bad. I’m worst than Hitler. I’m a whiney little, piece of shit fuck who deserves to get AIDS and die. (I quickly turned off all voting and comments on my videos.)

My YouTube was connected to my Twitter, which was connected to my website, which offered my email address. I began to get death threats via email. Some folks found out I lived in Somerville, so I even received a couple “I know where you live.”

This was well before I’m the public figure I am now. I had only been writing for a year at the time, and nearly all my pieces were silly listicles for Pride.com I had no media connections. I didn’t yet have fans who could support me or come to my defense.

I was terrified. I thought there was a chance — however minuscule — that someone was actually going to find and kill me. I also hated that LGBTQ individuals were saying how awful I am for the queer community (and also saying I should kill myself). Fun fact: Queer people can also be monsters. I feel like we often forget this.

I ended up making one more video roughly four months after Q4M. I did it because I wanted to prove to myself that the trolls hadn’t won. I did, and I’m proud I did, but that didn’t negate the truth: the trolls had already won. I was done with YouTube and never made a single video after that last one. I thought videos weren’t for me…

Until last week. No, it wasn’t a YouTube video, but it was an Instagram live on Men’s Health account. I was thrilled when my editors asked me if I wanted to do a Sexplain It Live. It showed their trust in me and how they really want to continue building me as a brand.

After hammering out the logistic, one of my editors warned me that comments can get a little out of control (nasty, homophobic, etc.). He’d do his best to moderate and delete the ones he could, but he wasn’t sure he’d be able to delete them fast enough. I knew this was going to be the case, but up until he said it — and noted that there may be so many negative and hurtful comments he likely couldn’t delete fast enough — I hadn’t realized the extent. Quickly, it brought back memories of my YouTube days.

I was really nervous the day of the Instagram Live. To be honest, I don’t get super nervous about too many things anymore. (Really, the only thing I still get nervous about is breaking up with folks. That’s when I wish I could be less empathetic.) It was an excited nervousness, though. We don’t have the word in English — the word in Hebrew is “meetragesh” — but I think we’ve all had this feeling before.

I purposefully chose clinical sexologist and certified sex educator Gigi Engle to be my co-host for the live. She’s a close friend, and someone I feel comfortable with. I also can’t think of anyone who handles trolls better than she does.

Do you what happened? We fucking killed it. Yes, some comments came on while we were doing the live, but nothing terrible. Nothing I couldn’t ignore. (I had to be looking at the comments because that’s where folks were asking Sexplain It questions. That was the whole point of doing it live.)

A recording of the live is now Men’s Health IGTV and main page. The comments there are rough, but nothing I can’t handle. I’m not going to say I brush it off immediately, but I can brush them off far more easily than I could five years ago. (And no death threats!)

I also have you guys, who support, comment, and reach out to me. Who remind me that what I’m doing is impactful. At the time of the YouTube video, I didn’t have you supporting me, telling me how I made you feel less alone. Now I do. And I really appreciate you sending me emails and messages. It keeps me going. Thank you.

Below is Episode 1 of “Sexplain It Live” in case you’re interested in watching!