BOYSLUT with Zachary Zane #2
I feel 15 again, desperately craving sex but unable to have it. It's forced me to reflect on the roles I want sex to play in my life.
This week: I hosted a virtual sex party, I helped a man understand why he’s okay with his partner topping other dudes but not bottoming for them, and I reflected on the role I want sex to have in my life (during a time which I’m not getting any).
As I’ve been stuck in quarantine for nearly two months now, I’m remembering what it felt like to be 15 years old. A time when I so desperately craved sex but wasn’t having it. (I wasn’t a “cool” 15-year-old who drank and banged at parties. That started a little later in life.) I was just a hormonal ball of horny energy.
In my adult life, sex has never been a scarce commodity. Grindr really changed the game. With the outrageous geolocating app, I can have dick delivered to my door faster than a sausage pizza. Since I downloaded Grindr when I was 22, I’ve been getting booty whenever and wherever I want.
For the first time in what feels like forever, I simply can’t have sex. It’s forced me to reflect on the role I want sex to play in my life. (However, to be fair, I’m constantly thinking about the role I want sex to play in my and all of our lives. That’s my job as a sex writer and a large chunk of my book proposal is dedicated to just that!)
Nevertheless, it’s different to reflect on your desired purposes of sex when you’re not actually screwing. While I haven’t come to any groundbreaking conclusions, I will say this sexual break has been… nice? Surprisingly enjoyable? Better than I expected?
It’s different (in a good way!) to talk to folks without sex on the table. Even when I don’t plan on having sex, it’s always an option, in theory. Without the option, I feel like I — and the people I’ve been chatting with — have been freer to be more honest. Now I’m pretty authentically me all the damn time — that’s kind of my thing — but I’m being even more silly and vulnerable because I now feel more comfortable doing so. This allows others to get to know various aspects of me better and vice versa.
Everyone seems to have their guard down a little more during the pandemic. I think it’s because, for the first time in social etiquette history, you can reply to “How are you doing?” with “Well… not great.” Most of the time, that’s reserved for close friends or family, but now we’re doing that more with acquaintances. It’s nice starting conversations a little more openly, vulnerably, and truthfully.
Some guys I initially wanted to fuck when we started chatting, but as I’ve gotten to know them better, I feel like we’re past that stage. We’re just friends now. If we had met IRL, we may have just fucked once and then never talked again. What a shame that would have been! Now I’m actually making friends, which as any queer man can tell you, is far harder than finding a dude to plow you for the evening.
Additionally, during this time, I’ve been exploring virtual sex. I’ve been having FaceTime sex and even hosted a virtual orgy. (Like, what is life right now?) I was shocked by how much I enjoyed it. I thought hosting the event was just going to be a job, like any other job, but by the time the party finished, I felt so goddamn sexy.
I Hosted a Virtual Orgy and I Think It Made Me Way Better at Sex
I’m actually hosting another New Society For Wellness’ (NSFW) virtual orgy tomorrow Saturday, May 9, at 9 pm ET, which is why I’m sending out this newsletter slightly early. (I’m going to attempt to send newsletters out on Sundays, for the most part.) It’s open to everyone, even folks who aren’t currently members, so click the link below to attend.
Now I don’t want you to think that virtual sex will substitute my sex life once this is all over. I’m excited to have a shitton of sex once the pandemic if finally through. And there has been some serious build-up with certain men and women that I’m insanely excited for. But until then, I’ll keep reflecting on the role I want sex to have in my life, continue making new friends, and carry on with hosting digital sex parties.
Oh, last thing! I answered a pretty interesting question for my Men’s Health “Sexplain It” column this week. It’s about a man who’s totally OK with his partner topping other men, but gets sick at the idea of his partner bottoming for multiple guys. I haven’t ever seen anything written about this before, so I’m actually really excited to be (one of?) the first.