BOYSLUT with Zachary Zane #4
My initial summer plans are now a no-go, but I have some new plans that may be even better...
This week: Summer is here (sorta), P-Town love, sticking things up butts, and soliciting nudes while in a monogamous relationship.
Well, I’m not spending my Memorial Day surrounded by budding lesbians, like I usually do. I typically head down to Provincetown for the holiday, and Memorial Day is notoriously “Baby Dyke” weekend, where young lesbians go flirt, drink, and cause drama.
Every year I’ve headed to the cape, I’ve seen fights break out, typically involving a woman who is brazenly cheating on her girlfriend, kissing another woman right in front of her. As you know, I’m a messy bitch who lives for drama, so I’m here for this level of chaos. I’m also surprised to see that the girlfriend who is openly cheating never gets in trouble. The fight usually breaks out between the partner and the other girl, who often doesn’t know that the woman she’s kissing has a girlfriend.
I’m going to miss Provincetown, which has always been my home away from home. I have gay uncles (related by blood, not daddies), who previously rented a house there. Alas, after roughly a dozen years of renting the same picturesque cottage off of Commercial Street, my uncles were informed by their landlords that they had sold the property.
Provincetown was a place of many firsts for me. It was there I realized that I could not just be physically attracted to men, but could actually date and even love a man romantically. It’s also where I first go-go danced. (I spent an entire summer freelance writing during the day and go-go dancing at Club Purgatory at night.)
I loved the freedom I felt in P-town. I could hold my boyfriend’s hand while walking down the street and not be afraid that someone will insult or assault us. Not to mention the men. Jesus, so many goddamn orgies, late-night Dick Dock fun, and sexual revelry.
Now that my uncles no longer have a place, it’s going to be tough to spend an extended period of time there. It’s gotten so damn expensive, and freelance writing pays exactly as well as you think. Luckily, I’ve made friends over the decade. I’m sure I could head down for a week, and they’d let me stay with them, assuming, of course, I put out, which I would do anyway.
Perhaps it’s time I become a Fire Island gay. Though, of course, I’ll have to start the summer of 2021.
(Also, don’t worry, I’m still bi! Sometimes bi people refer to themselves as gay for humor and to be part of the larger, queer vernacular/culture. Gaby Dunn is an exemplary bicon who does this often and effectively!)
While I’m disappointed that summer won’t be happening the way I’d planned, I’m excited about one thing that will occur in the upcoming months— how many things I’m going to shove up my butt. This is because I’m the new brand ambASSador for b-Vibe, the luxury butt stuff store. This means I’m going to be quoted as an expert in other articles when I talk about relationships and anal. (Should that be the new title of my book? “Relationships and Anal: a Memoir” by Butt Enthusiast Zachary Zane.)
For my first article for b-Vibe, I spoke to five famous adult film performers, all of whom are pros at taking dick, for tips on how to become a goddamn power bottom.
I also did a little video too, in case you want to see my silly face and hear my voice jump two octaves when I get excited.
Anyhow, yes, I plan to spend my summer with various toys inside my anus. I’ve definitely had worse summers, so really, I can’t complain.
Moving on, let’s talk about Sexplain It this week! I gave advice to a man who is having some issues with his boyfriend jacking off to nudes that guys send him on Instagram and Snapchat. Does that count as cheating? Is it the same as watching porn? The questioner felt some sort of way but wasn’t sure if he was overreacting. I helped break it down.
Anyhow, Happy Memorial Day! (I want to be on my roof this weekend, and not inside writing this newsletter, so that’s why you’re getting it early.) You’re probably not spending it the way you had initially planned, but get outside, get some sun (safely), and go stick some things up your butt!