You Sadly Can’t Douche With Flonase

Please tell me I’m not the only one who’s considered it. (This allergy season is killing me.)

Every year, come spring, when the snow thaws, the weather warms, and flowers bloom, people with pulses head to Grand Central Park in skimpy shorts or flower dresses. On Instagram, I see how packed the park is. You can’t even see the grass, as every inch of Central Park real estate is covered by blankets.

I, however, am sitting in my apartment alone, with the windows closed. I can barely wake up or focus. I have multiple tissue boxes in the apartment, all within arm's reach, so I never have to get up to grab them. And my sinuses—you’d have thought some ants had crawled up there and are now wrestling. I have so much sinus and forehead pressure, so much congestion, it honestly hurts to think.

It fucking sucks. I want to be in the park drinking. I want to be schmoozing with my friends. I want the vitamin D and to pick up a guy with slutty shorts. But my allergies are immobilizing. (I barely worked last week as I couldn’t focus on writing.)

I always do what I can to treat symptoms, a mix of various allergy medications. Currently, I’m on a cocktail of Zyrtec, Flonase, and Sudafed. (To be clear, I’m not recommending this as I’m not a doctor and there is the potential for interaction among the three meds, but it is a risk I am currently taking because I am fucking dying.)

A couple of days ago, I was talking to a friend—we were both lamenting our current allergied-state—when I made a joke: I should just fucking douche with flonase. Initially, it was in jest, but the more I thought about it, the more I wondered if this could work. After all, the asshole actually does absorb some meds effectively.

So I reached out to my butt doctor, Evan Goldstein, D.O., founder of Bespoke Surgical and author of Butt Seriously: The Definitive Guide to Anal Health, Pleasure, and Everything In Between.

Goldstein is the King of Butts. A Butt Wizard, if you will, and if you have literally any questions about your ass (or hole), he is the doctor to see.

I asked him three questions about administering Flonase anally, and here’s what the Butt Wizard said.

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ZZ: Why can't I douche with flonase to help with allergies?

EG: The ass is very vascular, similar to the nasal cavity, where Flonase is administered. And, actually, it has a similar tissue called the mucosa. Flonase is a steroid that helps with inflammation, working locally to help with nasal allergies. It has not been studied through anal application and should not be used as such. FYI: the anal cavity is actually used for many other medical applications, since it does have great absorption, but clearly those applications have been proven and well-studied for that specific use.

Okay, but what would happen if I did? Are there any potential risks?

If you used Flonase anally, it would just support local anal inflammation with minimal systemic absorption; not aiding someone's overall allergies and Spring-specific conditions. Some of the other active ingredients may cause local burning and/or irritation, but, in theory, if you're using it in your nasal region, the ass can probably handle it, too. But don't get any ideas! Also, more importantly, chronic use of any steroids is not indicated, as someone can then thin the anal lining and overlying skin, and even alter the microbiome, which can lead to permanent issues.

So what should I be douching with?

What we do know is that plain water, enemas, and even Flonase (in theory) can disrupt the anal microbiome—overpopulating certain bacteria and increasing the risk of STIs and anal trauma. That insight was the catalyst for launching Future Method. Our first product—and now our suite of douches—was designed to make anal douching safer, smarter, and more effective. Our latest launch—our new Anal Douche Kit—builds on that promise, offering a simple, streamlined solution for everyday prep. Complete with everything you need to prepare for sex: powder packs, mixing pouches, screw-on nozzles. In the end, you’ve got different holes and different goals. Flonase is for sniffles. Future Method is for sex.

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Sadly, I won’t be having any sex until I can breathe properly. So, you probably won’t see me for another month. But once my allergies disappear, so help me God, I will be at the park freshly douched with Future Method.