Actions Don’t Always Speak Louder Than Words in Romantic Relationships

There are times to take people at their word.

As I mentioned on Instagram, I will start writing more thought pieces and cultural takes. Most of these pieces won’t have a paywall. Don’t worry; you’ll still get at least one sex-filled, nonfiction essay a week. But I have some other thoughts I’d like to share and would love to give you more content.

FYI, some of these pieces you may find triggering or disagree with. That’s okay! Just a reminder, I’m writing from my perspective, talking about my experiences—so they may not mirror yours.

---

As the age-old adage goes, actions speak louder than words. For the most part, I think this is true, especially in romantic relationships. If your partner says they value, appreciate, and love you—but then doesn’t respond to your texts, cancels on your plans at the last minute, and spends the entire date talking about themselves—they really don’t care about you. Obviously not! Their lip service is hollow, and without sounding like a corny social media empowerist, you deserve to be with someone who treats you better.    

But what about the opposite? What if they specifically say they don’t want a serious romantic relationship, but when you’re together, they act all couple-y? They hold your hand in public. They cuddle you in bed. They buy you dinner and give you little gifts. Do their actions speak louder than words, then? 

I don’t think they do, and frankly, we need to stop pretending that they do.

I’ve encountered this a few times in my life. After a few dates and getting to know someone, I realized I didn’t want this person to be my primary partner. This could be for one of a million reasons. Sometimes, we have vastly different interests and few things to talk about. Other times, my highly sexual “lifestyle” is too much for them to handle. Or, literally, anything else!

Still, I want to keep seeing this person, as I enjoy spending time with them. I just don’t want to see them all the time. Theoretically, this is one of the many beauties of polyamory. Even if you’re not a perfect match—and this person doesn’t fulfill some of your needs—you can still be in each other’s lives in more than a “just friend” way.

So, I make it clear. I say, “I enjoy spending time with you, but I don’t see you being a primary partner in the future. I’d like to keep things more casual. Is that something you’d be interested in? If you’re looking for a primary partner right now, I totally get not wanting to continue seeing me.”

I know a few of you think this is fuccboi behavior, but I disagree. Fuccboi behavior is love-bombing or lying to a partner in order to have sex with them, only to dispose of them after. What I’m doing is giving my lovers autonomy. I’m letting them know the amount of emotional commitment I can offer and letting them decide if they wish to keep seeing me.

Sometimes, we’re on the same page. They don’t want anything more from me and like the casual dynamic of our relationship. (Love with this happens.) Other times, partners are disappointed and say we should end things because they want a more committed relationship. (I can’t tell you how much I appreciate when people are honest with themselves and me.) Then some are disappointed, as they want our relationship to go in a more committed direction but agree to keep seeing me casually. (This is where things get a little complicated.) 

The thing is, I am someone who likes being a little cutesy when we’re together. I like holding hands and cuddling and all that beautifully gay shit! But my behavior, seemingly, doesn’t align with my words, and because of this, the people I date can sometimes get confused. And when they hope for something more—consciously or subconsciously—things get messy. 

I try to reaffirm my boundaries when I see them getting a little attached. I restate the amount of time and commitment I can provide, but also, urgh, I hate doing that. I hate having to be like: “Are you falling madly in love with me? I kinda get the sense you are and are not being honest to me about it.” Obviously, I don’t frame it like that, but that’s clearly the undertone. 

A close friend of mine, Jack, says I’m bringing this upon myself. In a sense, he’s right. After all, I’m the common denominator here. And as we all know—but don’t like to admit—if something “keeps happening to you” in your relationships, then you are likely the problem.

Jack says I shouldn’t be as cutesy. I should reserve picnic dates for my primary partner and not have the people I’m dating more casually sleepover. My actions give them the wrong idea, despite my words. He’s right in that there would be less confusion, my life would be easier, and I’d potentially break fewer hearts. 

But fuck! Isn’t that such a heteronormative and mononormative view of relationships? Isn’t the beauty of being queer and non-monogamous that we can have these meaningful relationships that fall on the spectrum between “just friends” and “serious romantic partners?” I want those relationships, damn it! I want a sleepover without it meaning we’ll get married.

Perhaps I’ve been dating the wrong people. Perhaps I could be even clearer about my desires, and when I see someone starting to get more attached, end things right then and there. Perhaps I should be less cutesy and reserve special dates for committed partnerships. I’m not sure. 

But what I do know is that if someone tells you they’re not looking for a committed relationship, you should take them at their word.