I’m (Actively) Polyamorous Again, and There’s One Thing I Hate

BOYSLUT ISSUE 26: I have a partner! I’m polyamorous! I’m writing this a little drunk!

(WARNING: I’m writing this on Sunday night—November 29—and am on my third, chilled Jameson neat. So there may be a few more typos and tangents than usual, but also, even more candor if that’s possible. And I get a little cunty, so there’s that!) 

I’ve been ethically non-monogamous consistently for five years now, but most of that time I’ve been very single. Don’t get me wrong, I always have my fair share of fuck buddies. There are always people I’m dating or seeing, but no people I’ve called my partner/boyfriend/girlfriend/theyfriend… until this past week. 

Before going any further, a quick refresher: Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is the umbrella term for all types of nonmonogamous relationships where both partners know and consent to the terms of the relationship. So ENM does not include cheating; the word ethical is there to make this distinction. 

ENM includes polyamory, where you’re open to the idea of loving and having multiple romantic partners, and also open relationships, where you have one romantic partner but have sex with others. There are also other types of ENM relationships, including solo poly, relationship anarchy, swinging, and more, but all of these fall into the larger subsets of open relationships and polyamory. 

(This poly diagram is FABULOUS. Credit: Franklin Veaux and xeromag.com.)

You might wonder why I’ve claimed polyamory even when I’ve been single. Fair question. It’s because I view polyamory as a lifestyle/mindset, and I want people to know when I go on a date with them, that if things do get serious, and we come to really like each other, I will not want to be monogamous. I will want to be in some form of an ethically non-monogamous relationship. So if you’re gung-ho on monogamy, then we probably shouldn’t take this any further. Otherwise, we run the risk of liking each other and then having to break up because our relationship styles are not compatible. 

To be honest, this still happens because it’s awkward in the beginning phases of getting to know one another to cut things off preemptively. I’ve had folks be like, “Well, we just met. Let’s see where things go.” I totally get where this is coming from, but it typically leads to more heartbreak down the line because I still am poly and you are still monogamous. Nothing has changed, we just like each other more, and this breakup will be more painful.

Because of COVID, I’ve had to meet up with far fewer people than usual and was able to put more time and attention into getting to know someone. This was a good thing for me. As y’all know, I live for the excitement. I live for meeting new people. And boy, do I love a good fucking sex story. Not to mention, I sometimes feel like it can be an occupational hazard to be in a relationship. I write about the raunchy sex I have for a living. Lucky for me, my partner is raunchier, hornier, and even more insatiable than I am. I thought I knew about most taboo sex topics, and wow, was I fucking wrong. You learn something new every day, ya know?

(Not being the horny and kinky one in the relationship is actually VERY new and different for me. I plan to write a whole essay on this topic for sure. I’m now the one who’s like, “Nah, I’m too tired for sex,” or “We already did it twice today. I’m out of juice.”) 

I’m excited to have a partner again. I’m someone who loves being single but also loves having a partner, especially one who loves having threesomes as much as I do. And I’m excited to be more “actively” poly. I say “actively” because I now do have a partner, along with another guy whom I’ve been dating. Still in the early phases with him, and who knows where that will go, but again, it’s all titillating. 

There is one thing I worry about. Something that’s a “me” issue and not one of those sex-negative messages society ingrains in us. It’s an issue that I complained about to my ex when I lived with him, his wife, and his wife’s girlfriend and boyfriend.

So, Here’s How I Ended Up Living With My Boyfriend and His Wife

I felt like my life was reduced to being polyamorous. It became the focal point of my identity. Every conversation suddenly turned to questions about how I make my ENM relationship work. I found myself talking about my boyfriend’s wife’s girlfriend. And like, urgh, that’s so fucking annoying. When someone asks me how I am, why the fuck am I bringing up my partner’s wife’s submissive’s gardener who’s boning someone’s grandma or whatever the fuck? They didn’t ask how they were doing. They asked how I was doing. 

There’s so much more to me than being poly, but when I’m actively in a relationship with multiple people, or I’m in a relationship with one person who has multiple partners, that seems to be the only thing people care about. I hate that. You should care about me because I’m hot, obviously. (Fine, you’re maybe allowed to like me for my writing or because you think I’m moderately funny, or because I’m currently ranked 92nd percentile on chess.com, but really, 99% of it should be because I’m hot and slutty.)

All of this to say, or rather, to drunkenly affirm to myself, I’m still me. I’m still nuanced. I’m still slutty. I’m still poly. I’m still very bisexual. And I’m happily committed in a relationship (yes, you can be committed and still be poly)! While I definitely will (and want to) write more poly content for Men’s Health and BOYSLUT—and I’m stoked because I think my takes will be different from four years ago—I’ll also make sure to give you all of me. Not just the poly side. Because bitch, I’m a fucking ogre. I have layers. And I want everyone to see all sides of me, just like I want to see all sides of you. (No pun intended.) 

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Alright, you likely saw this one, but in case you didn’t, last week’s Sexplain It was straight out of a gay porno. I think the title speaks for itself. 

Sexplain It: I Cheated on My Wife With Her Dad

Xoxox, 

Your tipsy Boyslut, 

Zachary Zane